Day 1 of being on medication again and I already feel uneasy. I’m trying to figure out how to be alive and I feel as dead as a zombie. But my mania is out of control when I try to sleep and I seriously think I’m going to have a seizure or aneurysm if I don’t find something to calm it down.
I just want to be free and write about my feelings so I can find someone to love that will love me back. I want to be chaotic and break all the rules because I look around me and see how miserable everyone is, and I know it’s because they play by the rules.
They do the things they were told to do, like get good jobs and find good significant others and raise beautiful children, so they can tell them to chase their dreams when they are young and tell them to settle down when they hit 20. and the cycle repeats.
It’s become a normality to live through your children because you didn’t do what you wanted to do. We show them cartoons of bug adventures and overcoming hardships for a perfect ending with a massive score. Then as they get older we introduce them to the realities in life and say “this is the way it works” in complete opposite of the movies we learned from.
But those movies were about breaking away from the norm to become something better – or coming from nothing to become something. and we call those success stories.
We hear about them all the time, from nutless bicyclists who cheat to lizardmen that own us through cardboard packaging. A lot of them write books or pay people to write books about them (ghostwriting autobiographies is hilarious to me).
you don’t need to be educated or skilled to be successful and take over the world. you just need to make smart decisions and be patient. you need to be willing to learn and adapt to weave your way through life. you need to find yourself so you can identify your strengths and weaknesses. you need to use what you learn to slip through cracks and intimidate the people who intimidate you. you need to find an infinite source of motivation to steamroll through financial and social problems you’re faced with.
I need to do all of this and be someone.
Someone just told me I need to slow down to balance out, and that person is entirely right. I just need to get past something that’s been bothering me for a long time. Maybe this is why I love Hamilton so much. Ive been wanting to go for years.
why do you write like you’re running out of time?