(taken from my previous endeavor, Sadrabbit Solutions)
All of this, everything here – the website, the painting, the spewing of ideas, is the aftermath of a dramatic change in my life that began late October 2021.
I wasted a large part of my life worshipping a bottle of vodka. I couldn’t seem to break free of it, even when I went out and bought paint and canvases several years ago to find a hobby other than drinking.
I never liked color in my work then. I was determined to match my art with the coffee table and cat. the modern sleek design of steel and glass was a status for me, moving into my own apartment away from roommates and hand me down couches from 1990. I had just settled into my career and had the funds to live on my own.
Below is what I enjoyed painting back in the day. I would put on some banger music and get sloshed drunk and get covered in black and white. It’s amazing that I managed to make any straight lines.
Early 2021 I hit an ultimate low in my life, losing a long relationship with a girl I lived with for nearly two years, friends just flat out giving up on me, frustrations with coworkers leading to high tension at the office.
It only pushed me into a deeper hole, I had to escape from the cruel world and drink more.
I gave up somewhere during the summer. I think the first instance was a spontaneous vacation I took. I randomly flew out to Las Vegas on my own for five days, and tried to spend as much money as I could getting the Freemont Experience. After spending thousands of dollars doing any random drug strangers sold me and getting pickpocketed by a prostitute, I returned home and sat back at my work desk, for another week of work, only with less money and a strange hangover.
I was done, I couldn’t feel the thrill of anything anymore. Sure it was cool living like a rockstar for a minute but I had to come back. And I was just as sad and lonely as ever.
That’s when it got even worse. I’d put a loaded gun in my mouth before getting ready for work. I stopped taking care of myself, and didnt care about ruining what little friendships i had left. It was pitiful, I’d complain at the bar about how lonely I was then act surprised when the girl next to me wasn’t interested in chatting. Fucking pathetic.
It took me slipping up to a coworker about my suicide note to get me help. She went to HR and I was quickly brought in and pressured into going to rehab. Not having anything else in my entire life to do, I agreed and was willing to give it 100%.
I only spent a week there, but it opened my eyes to so many things that i couldn’t see in my wasted state of mind. I learned how to look at things from different perspectives and to not hate myself for every little thing I did wrong. I felt human again, and was even scared to leave at certain points.
The day before I was being released I found my friends picture in the obituaries at breakfast. He had drank himself to death. The guy was hanging by a thread already, he knew another drink could be the end, and in his sadness he still did, and it took his life. I made it out in time for his funeral. I still carry his picture around in my notebook.
After the funeral I get home, change into normal clothes, and then think, “now what”.
I was still depressed, and the only difference was I couldn’t even try to cover it up with alcohol.
I was determined to make sure I could find happiness without a need to drink again. But that wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to make sure I could be happy and never want to drink again. I didn’t want to be that person in constant worry of relapsing, or burying down cravings, or avoiding social events because I would have to consider my self control.
I wasn’t having that.
Part of mentally psyching myself out was through painting, but not painting like I know painting. I needed my fresh start, and a fresh style to accent my new life as an alcohol-free-whatever-i-want-to-be. Adding color was a great start and launched me down a path that led me here.
Here’s one of my first color paintings, and a permanent piece on the wall I see the most of each day.
The rest is history. I’m still sober, and I still love going to the bar. I just do it differently now. Below was New Year’s Eve. The bar was so empty and quiet I could read. Fitting to read about rebirth at the start of a fresh sober year.
Even though I almost threw away my life because of alcohol, I couldn’t bring myself to hide the paintings i made when i was drunk. it was a part of me, of who i am, and running from the fact that i cant handle alcohol like a regular person is not going to help motivate me at all. So i moved the paintings, still where I can see them, but it’s different now. Everything is different now.