It seems like I’ve done well enough to fix many of the problems I’ve caused myself over the last couple of years. I finally feel a pang of contentment as I rack my brain trying to figure out what it is I need to do next. I should refresh myself on some languages before I start the new job and deep clean my apartment. It’s time for a fresh start, and I’m fucking ready for it. I’m done wallowing over lost friends, I’m done stressing myself out financially, I’m done putting up with bullshit that’s holding me back in life. It’s invigorating.
But, there will always be something. For me, it’s a lack of purpose and goals in life. I’m incredibly bored, and no matter how many art projects I do or books I read or games I play, I don’t find much exciting anymore. I’m tired and stagnant mentally, and I’m at a loss at what direction I should take from here.
I have never slept so much in my life.
I’ll figure it out. I made it this far somehow, so I’ll use that as motivation to push myself one percent a day every day. It’s motivation I need right now. Motivation to search for that missing piece.
Maybe I just need an impossible goal that I’ll never stop working towards. Or maybe I will find a way to make a passive income or work for myself selling something I do as a hobby. Who knows?
I just don’t know what comes next. I spent my life climbing a hill, then a mountain, and now I’ve plateaued and can’t see anything but a vast empty flat space as far as I can comprehend.
I want my fucking souvenir, and another one I can work towards.
All in due time, maybe. I’d do anything for someone to point me in a direction, I feel so alone and without leadership.
~’I want you to talk about your feelings’ by N Hartman for ArtPrize 2023